2 Signs That Your Team is Frustrated With You

As any organization grows, its leaders must grow with it in order for it to remain healthy. In other words, growth requires the leaders to continually adapt the way they lead in order to fit the changing dynamics around them. The church is not excluded in this pattern, either. As a church increases in size and complexity, its leaders need to adapt how they lead to fit the needs of their growing staff and congregation. Those who can't make the shift begin to create bottlenecks around them, slowing down ministry and causing dysfunction on their teams because nobody will be honest about the situation.

What makes these transitions hard for the staff and congregation is that leaders of growing organizations tend to become more isolated over time. Proverbs 27:6 says "Wounds from a friend are faithful..." but some pastors find that they haven't cultivated those kinds of friends over the years and there are now fewer and fewer people willing to "speak truth to power." If that is you, the odds are your team already knows it and out of frustration has developed some ways to work around you in order to still get things done.

Here are two signs that your team may be frustrated with your leadership:

1. You have a Boss Whisperer.

You may remember the old movie The Horse Whisperer where Robert Redford played a cowboy with an uncanny ability to work with difficult horses which means he was sought out to help with the toughest cases. Whenever he entered the corral, his soothing approach could make the horse become calm and responsive. None of us want to think of ourselves as out of control but we're all susceptible to becoming irrational or upset under certain conditions, especially when our emotions are magnified by other factors like stress. I have known pastors who use this angst as motivation, channeling it into energy and passion because they think it helps them function at a high level (but that also makes them more susceptible to burnout). I've also met leaders who respond to frustration by running a very tight ship, imposing impossibly high expectations on their staff and seldom demonstrating grace when they fall short. If the leader is wound too tight, the team knows it and tries to step gingerly around a hard conversation, hoping to avoid it rather than lean into it. In those instances, the one with the most courage or the thickest skin is the unlucky person who gets appointed to be the Boss Whisperer. This person has the ability to say unwanted things to the leader in a way that hopefully defuses the bomb and avoids an explosion.

Here are some reasons that explain the existence of a Whisperer:

• You're emotionally inaccessible and your team is too intimidated to approach you.

• You're unpredictable when you hear things you don't like and nobody on your team wants to be on the receiving end of an emotional outburst.

• You haven't given your team the permission they need to have hard conversations with you and so they assume you want to avoid them.

Here are some suggestions for how the leader could address it:

• Admit to yourself that this overly emotional approach to leading has diminishing results for your team. As the leader, you should deescalate the situation before it boils over.

• Candidly speaking, you may need to take steps to make yourself a more emotionally healthy person. This may include some introspection, assessing your sources of stress or perhaps even talking to a licensed professional. I waited until I was in my 40s before I met with a counselor but now I wish I had done it sooner.

2. You have a Secret Spokesperson

They say the second hardest job in politics after being President of the United States is being the President's Spokesperson (officially called the Press Secretary). This person has the daunting challenge of interpreting and representing what the President is thinking on any given subject at any given time. When asked a question by a reporter, the spokesperson has to understand the President's thinking and be able to answer truthfully when saying "The President's view on that is..." For an illustration of how fraught it is to be a spokesperson for someone else, just google "press secretary gaffes" and then disappear down a rabbit hole full of YouTube clips.

We've all been in one of those awkward meetings where a meandering conversation finally ends and the leader walks out thinking a decision has been made. Instead of going to the leader and admitting nobody knows what was decided, the group huddles up to try and piece together what just happened. It’s during that "meeting after the meeting" that the identity of the Secret Spokesperson is revealed. When this dynamic exists on a team, there is usually one person who is able to translate for the others what was actually decided. It's a secret because the leader rarely knows it's happening and nobody wants to admit it. For better or worse, the Secret Spokesperson gradually becomes more and more influential as the "go-to" person who can best represent the leader’s thoughts or wishes. Eventually the team may listen to the Spokesperson more than they listen to the leader.

Here are some reasons that might explain the existence of a Spokesperson:

• You are too often physically unavailable when your team requires a timely answer.

• You're emotionally inaccessible and your team is too intimidated to approach you (if so, you probably have a Whisperer, too).

• You are not as good of a communicator as you think but your team doesn’t feel comfortable telling you.

Here are some suggestions for how the leader could address it:

• Take steps to make yourself more physically available to your team. This may not always be practical or possible but you still need to be aware of your isolation and take steps to minimize it.

• Show vulnerability to your team by owning your shortcomings as a communicator and inviting them to be more candid with you. This will hopefully relieve some of the awkwardness around those conversations and lessen the need for a Spokesperson in the first place.

• If the existence of a Spokesperson is unavoidable, appoint one and announce it to the team with your endorsement. It’s better for you to intentionally choose one rather than have one develop in secret without you knowing. (Note: if you're going to appoint someone to speak for you in your absence, make sure that person is truly trustworthy and has no personal agenda.)

Regardless of our position or title, we all need people to be honest with us when something isn't right. As leaders, we all need to constantly assess our own effectiveness and invite others around us to do the same. Ideally there would never be a need for a Whisperer or a Spokesperson to exist in the first place but, if one exists, the onus is on you as the leader to address the situation head on. Your team will thank you for it!

How have you navigated the changing leadership needs of a growing church? I would love to hear what you're learning. Send a quick note to me at mv@michaelvolbeda.com.